Standing At The Door

 

In the past two years, my life has changed so much.  Internally, I am not the same person.  Externally, however, not a lot has changed.  I have conquered huge fears and drastically decreased my normal level of anxiety in the last two years.  I have reconnected with parts of myself that were locked away or buried for most of my life.  I see myself in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself before.  I have stepped outside my comfort zone and embraced change.  But it doesn’t feel like anything has really changed.  I still feel so alone.  I still feel like I don’t have many options for support or to simply share parts of my life.  I have no regrets, and I would never go back, but Hope has taken a major blow.  There are several ‘possibilities’ in my life right now – things that could be very good in time – but it’s so hard to hope.  And I’m standing at the door of more internal change, and I wonder, ‘Is it really worth it?’

That major blow to Hope has allowed Fear to step back in and dictate my choices.  I can look back over the last two years and see so many times that I was able to set Fear aside and step out into the unknown.  To follow my heart and have faith that I would be ok.  It would be reasonable to think that those experiences would build upon each other and help me to overcome my fears as I face the next set of changes in my life.  Those things turned out ok (way better than ok in most cases) so why wouldn’t the next changes follow suit?  Normally, I am a very logical person, but irrational fear is not logical.  Hope has stepped aside and Fear has taken over.  It may not be rational or logical, but it is real.

Today is Father’s Day.  In the past couple of years, I’ve come to the realization that I really hate holidays.  It truly bothers me that I feel that way.  I don’t want to hate holidays, but I can’t seem to shake that feeling.  What good are holidays if you have no one to celebrate with?  I have no family, and in all honesty, I’ve never had one.  That fact plays a part in both my desire to have a family and the fear that stops me from pursuing that.

I never had a true connection to my biological family.  I know they did the best they could, and I don’t doubt that they love me.  I fully realize that it could have been much worse, but there was no investment made to build any sort of relationship during my childhood.  Today, my ‘family’ is not much more than a group of strangers.  For so long, I’ve dreamed of having a family of my own.  I wanted that connection – people to share life with; the good & the bad.  I desperately long to know what it feels like to be someone’s priority – to know there is someone who will dance with me when good things happen and hug me when I cry.  I don’t have that in my life, at least not on a consistent or even remotely regular basis.  It’s such a strong desire in my heart, but it’s so hard to truly hope for that.  I was taught that I don’t deserve that, and trying to unlearn that lesson has been a very difficult process.  It’s one of the reasons that I tend to find reasons to run when I sense there could be a chance of actually finding what I long for.  But a bigger reason for running is Fear.

Because I didn’t have a connection to my biological family, I’m scared of repeating the cycle.  I didn’t have a positive model of family or parenting.  What if it’s genetic?  I’m joking – sort of.  I realize that I will make mistakes as a wife and a parent.  Everyone does.  But do I really want to start a family if the only chance at life is the one I had growing up?  Even if I could get past my own childhood, what about the things I’ve experienced as an adult?  I have too many experiences that serve as evidence that the voices are right – I don’t deserve to have what my heart desires.

Like I said, there are ‘possibilities’ in my life that could drastically change how I feel about my life right now.  I’m going through the process and trying to not allow fear to trigger my flight instinct.  I’m trying to hold onto some sort of hope, but hoping scares me.  A family has been my desire for my entire life, and I have not truly experienced that.  I’m not sure how much longer I can keep hoping.  I know there are areas where I need to confront my irrational fears; to change my perspective of what happened in my past; to unlearn the things I was taught that caused me to believe the lies I hold onto.  But in this moment, the fear, sorrow, and loneliness are stronger  than I have the energy to fight.  But…I also know that tomorrow is another day, and for now that’s all I need to know.