Monthly Archives: November 2011

Starting to Remember

A few months ago, I wrote about needing to remember (Dancing Out Of The Box).  Throughout my journey, I have discovered that there were parts of me that were trapped in a box.  It was a box created for safety, but it had turned into a prison.  I realized that I needed to find those parts of myself and destroy the box.  Over the last month, I’ve been able to rescue a big part of myself from that box.  I don’t really remember when that box was built, but I’m starting to ‘remember’ myself.  I have never felt more like my true self – have never felt more alive – than I do right now.  I am starting to not only see and accept who God created me to be, but I’m finding that I can look in the mirror and like what I see for the first time in my life.

In the last year, I have found myself becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve learned so much about myself, and about how fear has controlled my life.  I have been able to let go of so many of the lies that I’ve believed for so long.  I have discovered (or rather, uncovered) strength and beauty in the last place I ever thought I would – inside me.  My own perception of myself – and the perception I always believed everyone else had of me – has drastically changed.  In some ways, it has been a very quick, recent change; but it has also been a lifelong journey.  There is so much that has happened in the last month, and a part of me wishes that it had happened sooner.  But I also know that I would never have been ready for it until now.  Each of my experiences to this point – both good and bad – have been needed for me to be me.  Throughout the last five years or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a pit that I just couldn’t get out of.  A friend recently used that picture in a way that perfectly describes where I’m at right now.  She said, ‘It kind of puts all of that dark time into perspective…it forced you to keep stepping up every time a shovel full of dirt got thrown down on you.’  It’s such a perfect analogy.  Each time I felt like more dirt was being thrown in the pit, I kept feeling like the purpose was to bury me.  But I used each shovel full of dirt to step up a little closer to the top of the pit.  Eventually, I had stepped up far enough that I could step out of the pit.  I finally feel like I’m out of that pit, and it’s a great place to be.

Of course, I’m still not quite where I want to be.  Though I’ve connected with lost parts of myself, there is still a big part of me that is in the box.  Growing up, I was taught that emotions were bad.  Showing any sort of emotion was a sign of weakness.  I learned at a very young age to bury my emotions.  They have been locked in that box for a very long time.  It’s gotten harder in the last few years to truly disconnect from my emotions, but I am still very much in control.  I know that I need to give up that control and allow the emotions out of the box.  Negative emotions are really what I wanted to avoid for a long time.  I didn’t want to feel pain.  But I’ve realized that the positive emotions got buried as well.  I block out pleasure, joy, and love just as much as the pain and sorrow.  In order to truly connect with the positive, I also have to connect with the negative.  I have to take the good with the bad.  It all makes perfect sense to me, but I’m finding it difficult to go there – to allow myself to be vulnerable instead of always having to be in control.

But like the other parts of me that I’ve found recently, I have to remember.  Remember those emotions – good and bad – that I have locked in that box.  Emotions are a part of all of us.  Without that part of me, I cannot see the whole picture of who I am – who God created me to be.  He wants me to see who He sees.  I have to remember how it feels to open that box and reconnect with a part of me.  I have to remember how to open the box…

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I Will Survive

I was driving the other day, trying to find some music on the radio, and landed on Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’.  It made me think about my journey recently, and my realization of how much I’ve allowed fear to control me.  I am choosing to live my life without that captivity, and this song seemed fitting.  It is strange to live without fear in charge – it has always held that place in my life.  But I am choosing to break the connection & learning to survive without fear & all who have perpetuated the lies throughout my life.  And I know I will survive.  Here are the lyrics with a few minor adjustments…

At first I was afraid;  I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But now I’ve spent so many nights thinking how you’ve done me wrong
And I am strong;  I’m learning how to carry on
And now you’re scared;  You’ve lost your place
I just walked away and you’re here to pull me back into that space
I should have walked so long ago;  I should have cut your ties to me
If I had known for just one second, how great life could truly be

So, Fear, go – Walk out the door
Just turn around now, cuz you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to bind me with a lie
You thought I’d crumble;  You hoped I’d lay down and die
Oh, no, not I;  I will survive
Oh, as long as I know I am free, I know that I will thrive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive;  I will survive

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to find the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high
And you see me; somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person still enslaved to you
And so you keep on telling lies and just expect me to believe
Now I’m learning how to stand up for the truth which sets me free

So, Fear, go – Walk out the door
Just turn around now, cuz you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to bind me with a lie
You thought I’d crumble;  You hoped I’d lay down and die
Oh, no, not I;  I will survive
Oh, as long as I know I am free, I know that I will thrive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive;  I will survive

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Song of My Soul

 

It has been an amazing month.  For years now, I have been on a journey of self discovery.  In the last month, I have finally connected to parts of myself that have been lost for a very long time.  I have discovered so much of who I am – the song of my soul.

In connecting with those pieces of myself, I have found that I have much less need for fear and anxiety.  I haven’t completely parted ways with them, but I am finding that my instinctual reaction to them is changing.  For as long as I can remember, I have allowed fear and anxiety to dictate my actions and responses.  On many occasions, they have stopped me from pursuing what I want and need.  But, not any more.

When fear and anxiety have shown up lately, I have found myself taking a deep breath, and saying, “No, I enjoy this, and I know I’m capable.”  I have experienced so many new things this past month.  ‘Enjoying the journey’ is looking pretty good right now.

I have also let go of my need to live up to other people’s expectations.  I have discovered that the cost of living in that space is just too high.  I want to experience the value of living my life to the fullest – to follow my heart.  I have realized that God wants that for my life, and I have been the only person stopping me from experiencing that.  It is my life.  It is my choice.

I choose freedom.  I choose wholeness.  I choose to listen to the song of my soul.  It is a beautiful sound.

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