Over the last couple of years, a big part of my journey has been about letting go of the need to always see the ‘big picture’ and learning to enjoy the journey. I realized today that my focus in certain areas of my life has been on the big picture. On Monday, God brought up an unexpected topic that I needed to deal with. My initial response was, “That’s what you want to talk about?!? You could have given me a heads up so I could prepare…”. His response was, “I’ve been trying for a while now…”. Let’s just say that I didn’t really have a response for that.
Through a very rough morning of processing, I realized a few things. First, I am the only person stopping me from doing what I want to do. Growing up, I was taught a lot of things, and a lot of things were expected of me that prevented me from being who I really am and pursuing what I wanted. But, now…I have a solid family presence, and some great support. There is no one placing unreasonable expectations on me (except for maybe, me…). Actually, I have people in my life who are helping me realize who I really am – whether they know it or not. If I am not where I want to be, it is only because I am stopping myself.
The second thing is that I have things that I desire in my heart, and God has been asking me why I’m waiting to pursue them. He let me hide behind my fears for a little while, but then challenged me this morning to be honest with myself. Not only am I allowing fear to dictate my choices, but I am choosing to not go through open doors because I don’t see how they will get me to where I want to go. That was a big part of what I learned when I left my job last year – to take action, even when it doesn’t make sense. I’ve apparently, temporarily, forgotten that lesson.
God has been showing me open doors in certain areas of my life for a while now. I’ve been saying, “But I want ‘this’. How is going through that door going to help?” Today, He said, “Go through the door and find out. Maybe it takes you a step closer to where you want to be. Maybe it shows you something you didn’t know you wanted or needed. Or, maybe, it will be something enjoyable. Not everything has to have a purpose or take you closer to your destination. Enjoy the journey.”
So…I am consciously choosing to go through the doors that are currently open. At least one of them is a door that I have been wanting to go through for a while now. I just wouldn’t allow myself because I didn’t think I should want to go through that door. But the door is wide open, and God is asking why I’m choosing not to go through it. It has taken some wrestling to get past some of my initial fears, but I am choosing to go through the door. I have no expectations. I am going to enjoy the journey.