Let Me Introduce Myself To You

I am going to start by saying that I hate this blog post. I hated it when Abba first put the idea in my head to write it a month and a half ago. I’ve hated it every time He’s reminded me that I haven’t written it, and every time He’s added a little to what He’s wanted me to write about. As I sit here writing it, I still hate the idea of another living soul reading it. Why is that? Mostly fear. As sure as I am about how Abba created me, what callings He has put on my life, and the fact that at the end of the day, I will never change what I believe or who I am just because it doesn’t work for someone else, I am still just a human being who wants to be accepted. I have experienced so much judgment and rejection for who I am and what I believe over the course of my lifetime. I should be used to it by now, but I am not. It still hurts. And I still try to avoid it. But my reality is that I don’t fit anywhere. Whether I’ve been the one to walk away or have been ‘asked’ to leave, it comes down to not fitting. The more I’ve learned about who I am – who He created me to be – the harder it has been to align myself with those who believe I am crazy or the ultimate sinner for what I believe (or for what anyone believes, for that matter). Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not one who would choose not to be friends with someone who didn’t agree with me on every belief I have. I enjoy having people in my life who believe differently. It challenges me. It helps me remember to hold my beliefs loosely because at the end of the day, only He knows who is truly ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. I hate those words, by the way, because I believe Abba goes way beyond the binary right and wrong. Of course, it has cost me a lot to stick to that belief. But I don’t regret it. My God is ginormous, and I will do my humanly best to not place limitations on Him. But I am stalling. I fear the judgment that will come if I continue to follow this path. Of course, I’m not really sure why there is so much fear because over the last two or three years I have experienced more judgment and rejection then the rest of my life combined – and that’s really saying something. And though I probably shouldn’t be, I have been shocked at not only the amount of judgment but the sources. Again, I’m stalling.

I’m not even sure where to begin. I usually have a good idea of where a blog post is going to go when I start writing, but this is different. Of course, it is extremely rare that a blog post actually turns out like I think it will once I get finished writing it, so maybe it’s better that I don’t fully know where this is going. Stalling…

I guess I start with the song that popped in my head and started this whole prompting to write. No More, No Less by MercyMe. I’ve always loved the song. I actually have wanted to choreograph a tap dance to it – still do. But I love the lyrics.

Since I began my faith journey about 24 years ago, one of the things Abba has been working on with me is accepting who He created me to be. Even before that, I was really interested in personality stuff. I had a desire to learn about myself. I still have that desire. I do think I know myself pretty well. Obviously, I’m human so I will always have my blind spots, but for the most part, I ultimately know who I am – what makes me tick, what triggers me, my strengths, my weaknesses, my heart’s desires, Abba’s callings on my life. The problem has always been the ‘accepting’ aspect. What if I don’t want to do what He says He created me to do? What if being who He created me to be means I’m alone for the rest of my life or I never get to realize any of my heart’s true desires? What if all I continue to realize is loss and more loss? Can’t I just be whatever it takes to just fit in? To just be normal? A part of me laughs at what I just wrote, and I see Him smirking. I don’t think I’ve ever been normal. I know I don’t fit in, and I would never really be willing to pretend to be something I’m not. I’ve already been down that road, and it doesn’t really work as a long term solution. But I think that’s why I get stuck sometimes. I so desperately want to fit in, but I know that there isn’t a label or box out there that can truly define or hold who Abba created me to be. It can be a lonely place sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. I have had, and do have, some amazing friends, and there are experiences I’ve had that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world – even external acceptance. But it’s hard sometimes. Over the course of my life, Abba has asked me to do many things that wouldn’t even come close to fitting into anyone’s idea of normal. I have been called crazy, stupid, selfish, ridiculous, evil, and most assuredly wrong – all mostly by Christian believers. And I’m sure there are more things that no one had the guts to tell me to my face. But I don’t regret a single one of them. There is a part of me right now that is struggling with wishing I could regret the last choice I made to follow him. I know it sounds strange to want to regret a choice, but I just think it would make the pain lessen if I felt like I had missed something or took a wrong step. Even amidst the excruciating pain, though, I know I could never regret this decision either. Which means I can’t regret the decision I have made in spite of the pain I still feel. You see, that’s a part of who I am – a part of who He created me to be. Regardless of how much I fight Him and how many times I tell Him, ‘no!’, ultimately, my only desire is to be where He wants me to be – even if I feel like it might just kill me. So here I sit, preparing to do something he has been asking me to do for a month and a half – which, if you know me at all, is not really that long of a fight.

Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am.

We’ll start with the easy stuff. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend – and a damn good one if you take the time to get to know me. I am difficult to get to know. I am working on that, but there will probably always be an element of truth to that. I am a lover of purple, cats, music, and kids. I am amazing at planning birthday parties, and nothing brings me more joy. I’m intelligent, discerning, adaptable, and fiercely loyal. I am fluent in sarcasm, and more opinionated than most people know. I am a writer and a dancer. I am an introvert, analytical, creative, and unbelievably stubborn. I am a Chicago Bears fan, a Chicago Cubs fan, and an Iowa Hawkeyes fan. I am a meat and potatoes girl from Iowa. I am somewhat well traveled – at least I’ve been and lived out of the country. I am human. I am an idiot. I am tired. I have a good heart. I love to let people be themselves. I crave authenticity. I have a hard time reconciling when words don’t match actions. If you lose my trust, it is difficult but not impossible to get it back. I am loved. I am enough. I am worth it. I have dated men and fell hopelessly in love with a woman. You can try to label that, but I guarantee it won’t fit, especially if you are basing it on that sentence alone and not the story behind it. I don’t fit anywhere. Hell, I don’t even fit with the person He says He has for me. But I am His. I am me. And whether I like it or not, I am trouble. And it’s just the way He wants it.

If you know me, you can probably pick out the statements that don’t fully ring true for me yet. The ones He is still working on getting me to accept. But I’m realizing that I need to start living into things I do believe. I need to start living into the callings He has on my life. I believe that Abba says all of the above statements are true about me. I believe Abba has very specific callings and plans for my life. I believe that if He has called me to something specific, He will give me everything I need to do what He asks. I believe that what I think I need and what He provides will not always look like what I expect it to look like. I believe that how He created me can be really challenging to other people. I believe that’s why He created me the way He did. I believe that the people in my life are there for a reason. I believe that Abba has used the people in my life to get me to where I am, and I know I need to believe that He has used me in their lives as well. I believe I will be judged by others for what I believe, but I also believe Abba will use that for His higher purpose, even if I never fully see or understand how it fits. I believe that not fitting in is not only a part of His plan but also a result of living in a world where the boxes and labels we have created have forced people to become something they are not or lose parts of themselves so as not to be judged as abnormal, weird, or marginalized. I believe that how the ‘church’ treats the abnormal, weird, and marginalized is reprehensible and unjustifiable. I believe Abba loves me even in this time of pain, anger, and the struggle to trust. I believe I deserve better then I have been treated by many people who have crossed my path. I believe I am capable of anything I ever wanted to do or learn. I believe I am worth fighting for, even though it feels like most people haven’t shown they agree. I believe that nothing will ever change that I am His child – even when others try to tell me I am no longer worthy to be a part of His family. I believe He wants me to write another book, and another, and another. I believe He wants those books published. I believe He still works miracles – I’ve seen some pretty amazing things. I believe Abba is big enough to not need to only have two options, and is big enough to tell me one thing and tell you what may seem like the opposite and neither of them be wrong. I believe – somewhere in my heart – that I am lovable. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am enough.

There is an older tv show that I love to watch. It is called Lost Girl. I didn’t want to include the show because I know just mentioning it would probably bring judgment if you know what the show is about, but Abba has spoken to me so much through that show. The main character is a woman who, throughout the course of the show, struggles with the idea of accepting who she is and stepping into her destiny. I’ve had many conversations with friends around the idea of destiny. Though I don’t believe God has every step of our lives planned out from before we are born, I do believe that he has specific plans for us. Why else would he create us so uniquely? Also, the main character’s tag line is, ‘I will live the life I choose’. It is quite the interesting paradigm – the idea of destiny alongside choice. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but a part of my faith is knowing both destiny and choice are true. I know Abba has a plan for me. I also know that I get to choose whether to follow or not. And though I may fight tooth and nail, beg Him for a different path, or throw myself down and have a two-year-old temper tantrum, the life I choose to live is the one He has for me.

Right now, this means I need to continue to walk down a path of pain and heartache. I need to write a story that I don’t want to write. I need to think outside the box to figure out how to do the things He’s asking me to do when my external circumstances say the door is slammed shut and locked with 100 deadbolts. And my choice is to do just that. Over the last few months, God has asked me one question over and over and over again. Do you trust me? Right now, that is a complicated question to answer. Ultimately, though, I do. He has said to me, ‘I know you believe what I am telling you, but what does it look like to truly live in trust of that?’ Each time I have found myself in a downward spiral, He has asked, ‘Is this what trust looks like?’ On some occasions, that question is enough to stop the spiral and help me refocus. Other times, however, I hear that question, and I honestly tell Him to shut the hell up because a part of me knows that I am where I am right now because I trusted Him. Do I wanna do it again? That is my choice. That is what faith is. Do I believe what He’s telling me? Because if I do, my only choice is to trust Him. Trust that He is working. Trust that He knows more than I do. Trust that His plans are good.

I had a dream almost two years ago. I don’t often remember my dreams, although lately I have been doing a lot of dreaming at night. So much so, that a part of me doesn’t want to go to sleep at night because I am tired of the dreams. This particular dream though, was one of those very vivid dreams where you can physically feel what is happening. My friend was driving us home after some event, and she wasn’t fully paying attention. She missed the curve of the road, lost control, and drove us off a cliff. I remember saying, ‘oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!’ I closed my eyes and remember feeling like I was on a roller coaster, pinned in by the bars. I woke up in mid fall, not knowing how or if we survived. I have had the same dream several times now, and I always wake up angry with Him. I feel like this last path He has asked me to walk has just led to being driven off the cliff. But He has been showing me that the dream isn’t over. I don’t know what happens. I may think I know what will happen because it seems like there aren’t a lot of options, but He is bigger than the options I see. So I choose to trust. Sometimes I have to make that choice every second. Sometimes there are seconds when I don’t have the strength to make that choice. Sometimes I manage to not only make the choice, but to step into it. But no matter where I am in any given moment, I know He is there with me. And someday, I will see the end of the dream. Until then, I will continue to believe what He says about me, about my heart, and about His plans for me no matter what anyone else says.

Book three, here I come.

Odyssey

I am not a car person. For me, a car is just a tool to get me from point A to point B. I think I was in my mid to late 20’s when I first thought, ‘If I had a bunch of money, I know what car I would want to drive.’ Of course, many of you reading this will laugh when you read why I wanted to drive that car. I know a lot of people who have a dream car – well not have as in own but have as in want – and there are probably many different reasons each person chose that car as their ideal vehicle. Actually, most people probably have several cars they would love to own at some point in their lives. And that is actually true for me as well. If I had enough money to not need to consider the practical things like price or gas mileage, I do have a list of cars I would want to buy. But unlike some people, my reasoning has nothing to do with how the car looks, any of the ‘bonus’ features, or even the durability factors. All that really attracts me to a car is the name.

Words are a big deal to me. I spend way too much time thinking about what I want to say, what other people mean when they use the words they use, and why it seems so hard for other people to say what they mean and do what they say. I love words, and they are extremely important to me. It is such a rarity for something to just ‘slip’ out of my mouth. I’m not saying that with any sense of judgment- it just is. There are some times when I wish I could just say whatever popped into my head without having to analyze it to death. Some of my best ‘laugh until it hurts’ moments have come from someone just letting whatever was in their head come tumbling out of their mouths. Also, some of my most profound revelations have come when Abba has used the words that have escaped someone’s mouth pre-thought or analyzation. The times when someone said something they don’t even remember saying. My intellect often tells me that I have missed opportunities in my life because I have not allowed my filter to go down and just express what is in my head. I definitely have my regrets in that area. But my intellect also tells me that I have saved myself, and others, from unnecessary pain by being able to keep my mouth shut when what is in my head will not bring value to the situation. Of course, in writing that last sentence, Abba is reminding me of my purpose in writing at this moment. Value. What is my value? When I stop myself from saying something, is it truly because I know what I’m thinking will just cause pain or is it because I still don’t believe that what I think has any value at all?

Let’s get back to cars for a moment. I’ve never actually driven a car that had a cool name – at least not anything that spoke to me. I’ve always wanted to drive a vehicle that had a name that meant something to me. A word that resonated with me. My dream car is a Toyota 4Runner. If you asked me to give an opinion on what the car actually looks like, the only thing I would tell you is that I prefer the older model body style. But, honestly, I can’t tell you that I, in any way, love the way the car looks. I just don’t look at cars that way. But the word ‘forerunner’ has meaning to me – pretty significant meaning. The reason for that meaning is a story for another day, but I would love to own a 4Runner someday.

Last year, July 31 became a day that I fear will never be redeemed. It was a day when the world as I knew it ended. It was a day when my world became something I never wanted it to be. That is also a story for another day, but it meant a lot of starting over – a lot of change. If you know me at all, you know I hate change. One of the changes happened in mid-August when I bought a new-to-me car. It is an old car with lots of miles on it, but I trusted a good friend who said it was a good buy. Another friend asked if I was okay with driving a mini van. It is a Honda Odyssey. I told her, ‘Of course. It’s a car. The only thing I care about is if it gets me from point A to point B.’ Of course, in my head I did think, ‘A better name would have been nice, but I’ll deal with that if it keeps fulfilling its purpose.’ Is it just me or do you ever regret a thought as soon as it pops in your head? I’ve heard people say they regret what pops out of their mouth as soon as they say it, and it’s a similar feeling with the thoughts, but I always feel a little weirded out when my thoughts are immediately answered. In this case, Abba said in response to my disappointment over the vehicle’s name, ‘I really think you need to look into the meaning of odyssey.’ I have to admit my stubbornness kicked in a little. I could tell by the tone of His voice that I wasn’t going to like where the meaning of odyssey took me. Granted, I technically knew the meaning already, but something in how He said what He said told me that there would be something in the definition that He would want to use in whatever He was trying to do in my life. So I didn’t look up the official definition for a little bit.

For those who don’t know me, I am pretty secure in who I am and how Abba created me. I don’t always like it, but I know it well. Also, at the end of the day, I trust Him and want nothing more than to be where He wants me. But if you’ve ever followed Him down an internal path to growth and healing, you know it can really suck in the process. Let me remind you that my world as I knew it ended on July 31. I was hurt. I am still hurting. I was angry. I am still angry. I was devastated. I am still devastated. And His response to those things at the time – His same response to those things now – just leaves me feeling frustrated, scared, discouraged, and alone. So I wasn’t really feeling motivated to delve into the meaning of odyssey. But, eventually, I did and my response was exactly as He expected. Of course, it’s not really the definition itself that agitated me. As I said, I already knew what odyssey meant. It’s more about what He has for me in it.

Odyssey means a long wandering or voyage, usually marked by many changes of fortune; a long and eventful or adventurous journey or experience; an intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest. I definitely feel like I’m in a space of spiritual wandering. And I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m so tired of people telling me to not think what I’m thinking. To not feel what I’m feeling. To just be okay. I am not okay. There are more moments than not when I am drowning in the pain. And I’m tired of being told that it’s not okay – that I need to fix myself. I am fully aware that I have work to do – we all do – all the time. I am fully aware that to be on the other side of this lake of pain would be a much nicer place to be. But I can’t right now. And I believe that Abba is with me, and He has something for me right now that I can’t get on the safe shores of the ‘other side’. Even when I say I want to be done. Even when there is a part of me that believes the world would be better off without me in it. Even when I am sure that I will drown. Even when I yell and scream about how much I hate Him right in that moment. Even when I truly believe the best I can hope for is to survive living alone for the rest of my life. Even when I beg Him to let me go to sleep and not wake up. Even when I truly believe I will never fit anywhere (a story for another day). I am still getting up every day. I am still reaching out to those I trust. I am still going to work. I am still eating. I am still sleeping. I am still searching for how I can find the help and support I need. It may have taken a while, but I am sitting here now, writing. Something I tend to avoid when I am in pain. I still believe Abba is here, even when I wish I could believe He doesn’t exist. I still hear His voice, even if I tell Him to shut up because I don’t want to talk to Him. My counselor continues to try and convince me that I’m normal. And He continues to tell me that I’m okay. No qualifiers. No ‘I will be’. No ifs. No buts. Just okay. Right here. Right now. All the pain. All the anger. All the things inside me that I don’t dare share with more than two or three people in the world because I can’t deal with the judgment right now. It’s all okay. I’m okay. Maybe one day on this odyssey, He’ll help me to truly believe that. And maybe one day, He’ll help me see myself as He does. Until then, I will continue to cry. I will continue to smile. I will continue to scream. I will continue to seek Him. I will continue to fight. I will continue to breathe. I will continue to hurt. I will continue to reach out. I will continue to wonder why I am still here. I will continue to be me. And don’t you dare tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps because I can 1000% guarantee that is not what Abba wants me to do right now (whether I like it or not). And He already knows how I feel and what I think, so why pretend?

I don’t need answers right now. I don’t need people to tell me I’m crazy. I don’t need people to tell me I’m broken. I don’t need people to tell me why I should be happy. Make me laugh. Make me smile. Make me dinner. Help me feel like my value doesn’t change because I am in pain and possibly not coping with it very well. Sit with me. Cry with me. Hold me in this space. Help me believe, trust, and accept what He is telling me.

‘You are on an odyssey, my child. There have been many ups and downs, and there will be many more. I am asking you to wander for a bit, but just because you don’t know where you are does not mean you are lost. I am asking you to trust Me. Your story is not over. Keep writing. Keep wandering. Keep talking. Keep breathing. You are grieving. That is okay. I am with you. I have what you need right now. It won’t be easy, this part of the journey, but it will be worth it. If you need to hide under the covers for a while, that is okay. I will be there. If you need to scream at Me, wrestle with Me, punch Me, that is okay. I can take it. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to hide, then hide. If you need to run, then run. I’ll be by your side. And in the moments when you are ready, we will find the growth and healing together, even if it is only for five minutes at a time.’

Not Right Now – Jason Gray

You could see the smoke from a mile away

And trouble always draws a crowd

They wanna tell me that it’ll be okay

But that’s not what I need right now

Not while my house is burning down

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

Not right now

Tell me if the hope that you know is true

Ever feels like a lie, even from a friend

When their words are salt in an open wound

And they just can’t seem to understand

That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

No, not right now

Don’t tell me when I’m grieving

That this happened for a reason

Maybe one day we’ll talk about the dreams that had to die

For new ones to come alive

But not right now

While I wait for the smoke to clear

You don’t even have to speak

Just sit with me in the ashes here

And together we can pray for peace

To the one acquainted with our grief

Will I Lose My Dignity?

What is dignity?  According to the dictionary, it is the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.  The lyric above is from a song in the musical, Rent.  A point of sadness for me is that there are some people who would stop reading this because of that knowledge.  There are some people who have a problem with the musical, Rent, and because of that would have a problem with me using a lyric from that musical.  They would believe that God could never use that musical to speak to me because it is an immoral, unbiblical, inappropriate show.  I won’t spend any time addressing that (because I know that would definitely cause you to stop reading), but I will say this – my God is bigger than that.  My God can use anything He wants to speak to me, and regardless of how you feel about Rent, these lyrics are powerful and resonate more with me than I ever thought they could.  Though I have an overarching struggle with how Christians deal with, handle, and respond to certain groups of people, I will keep this a post about my own personal experience.

Let’s start with an undeniable truth – I am a child of God.  As such, I deserve dignity, honor, and respect.  You can disagree with me.  You can believe that I have made a wrong choice.  You can make a choice to do what you feel you need to do in your own life.  But the moment you cross the line and tell me that I am no longer worthy to worship, to pray, to be a part of God’s family – the moment you tell me that my sin is greater than your own – you have taken a seat of judgment that is not yours to take, and you nullify the power of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  When I read the Bible, I don’t see where God ranks sins.  I see Abraham, David, Moses and many others whom God used mightily (and praised for their faith) despite their deliberate choices to sin.  I see that nothing can separate me from God’s love.  I see Jesus’ anger and grief, not for ‘sinners’, but for those who placed religion and moral superiority above relationship and love.  Unfortunately, in much of the church, I see hypocrisy.  Those who tell another that their sin is intolerable and means they are not a Christian.  Those who will die on the hill of one sin but not blink an eye at another.  Those who are not open to the possibility of being wrong – even when there are so many things throughout history that the Church has changed its position on.  How is this logical, much less Christlike?

I don’t want to debate what is right or wrong about my interpretation of the Bible or yours.  We’re both wrong.  There is no way that, as humans, we are capable of understanding everything that is in Scripture – why it was included, what the cultural bias is, the language translations, and what was not included.  I believe with my whole heart that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, but I do not believe that every situation we will ever encounter in our lives is covered in the Bible.  Think about Jesus’ life and ministry.  There are four gospels – the only place where His life was documented.  89 chapters to cover His life, and many of the same stories were shared in each of those gospels.  These are not minute by minute or even year by year accounts.  There is a reason these stories were included, and others were not.  Do you think the miracles included in the gospels were the only ones Jesus performed?  Do you think the parables and warnings included in the gospels were the only ones He taught?  There ae so many things from the Old Testament that Jesus mentions and teaches about, and so many things He does not.  If we want to put weight on certain things, shouldn’t it be the things we are told Jesus said, did, and taught about?  But we have divisions in the Church because one group of people see something different than another.  We look at the same Scripture and see two completely different things.  I think this a beautiful part of God’s creation, but, unfortunately, we take it to an unhealthy end.  We allow it to cause division rather than see the beauty in what God is doing in each individual’s life.

One of the greatest complaints the religious leaders had about Jesus was that He had the audacity to even talk to, much less dine and fellowship with, sinners.  They placed their moral superiority above relationship and love and thought that was going to earn them a place in heaven.  I see Christians doing the same thing when they walk away from relationship and do not welcome someone into church/fellowship because they don’t agree with a choice someone makes.  Isn’t the church supposed to be a place where the children of God can come and be safe and loved?  What is the power of your witness and testimony if you draw a line in the sand and say, “On that side of the line, you cannot be a child of God?” Shouldn’t you want ‘sinners’ to see the power of God at work in your life?  Or is church just a place to compare moral accomplishments?  Being a child of God is an undeniable right given to all, not only by the power of the cross, but by the creation of humanity.

I have made a choice in my life.  It is a choice that I have not made lightly.  I have prayed and sought God’s heart.  I have gone back to Him again and again and again to make sure that I am where He wants me.  I never envisioned making this choice for my life, though I don’t agree with those who believe that my choice is an absolute sin.  I can’t sit here and tell you that I have all the answers – I actually have tons of questions – but I am doing the best I can, and I believe that God cares more about my heart than anything else.  He knows my heart, and I truly believe I am where I am supposed to be right now.

I think it is sad, and honestly very un-Christlike, for a Christian to tell anyone what their relationship with God is or isn’t.  You have every right, and responsibility, to tell me something you feel God is asking you to say.  But then it is between me and God.  Period.  You cannot judge my heart.  You cannot judge what I am hearing or not hearing from God.  You can’t judge my standing in God’s family.  Regardless of the moral rightness or wrongness about a choice I may make, God is working.  God is always working.  And where I am right now may not be where God ultimately wants me, but in order to get to that ultimate place, there may be something I need to learn that I can’t learn unless I am exactly where I am right now.  Wouldn’t you want to support that rather than tell me that I am no longer worthy to be God’s child or that I need to get help to really hear what God is truly saying to me?

I know there are many people in my life who will refuse to walk with me through this time in my life.  I find that sad, but I also know that God will guide me to those He wants to be a part of my life.  I know that, for many, nothing I say could open any doors in their hearts, and I leave that in God’s hands.  For some, hearing my heart won’t change their beliefs, but they will choose to walk with me and watch God work.  For a few, hearing my heart will open doors and cause them to seek out God’s heart to an even deeper level.  I look at the lyrics to the song I shared to begin this post.  For some in my life, I have lost my dignity.  I feel it in the way they speak to me – or don’t speak to me, and the way they treat me.  In their eyes, I am no longer worthy of respect, and I have given away my dignity.  For some in my life, I feel the care they have for me, whether they agree with me or not.  Those who not only say they love me but are willing to walk through the really hard stuff with me.  I know God will bless that.  My nightmare right now is being told that I am not worthy to worship God, and I no longer can consider myself a child of God.  This is immensely sad for me, and as people pray that I will come to my senses, I pray that they will as well.  Jesus valued love and relationship over everything else.  You can’t judge my relationship with Him, and, no matter what you believe, it is you who is choosing to walk away from relationship if you feel I am not worthy of fellowship any longer.

I say all of this, not to convince anyone of anything.  This is my heart.  This is what I am carrying right now.  You get to choose if you want to help bear that burden or if it is too much for you.  I can’t sit in judgment of that choice because I can’t say what God is wanting to do right now.  For those who are open to hearing my heart, I welcome that and hope to share in the way the Spirit leads versus being influenced by any hurt my human heart has experienced.  For those who are unwilling to hear my heart, I accept that and will rejoice over the memories you helped me create, and I will grieve the loss of opportunity to create more.

I realize that I have not lost my dignity.  That is mine, and no one can take it away from me.  Even if someone chooses to not respect or honor me as a child of God, that does not change the fact that I am a child of God.  I will hold my head high in the pride of being a child of God, and I will trust that He is working in my life and the lives of others.

Your Love Defends Me

The last year or so has been a very difficult time for me.  In my honest and light filled moments, I can see God’s hand at work, and I know He’s doing something big.  When the darkness starts to set in, like the little rain cloud in cartoons, above my head, I vacillate between feeling like God has abandoned me or in complete terror for whatever ‘big’ thing He is trying to do.  My work has been to find the hope and trust inside and hold onto that regardless of how external circumstances appear.  I’ve realized, recently, that a big obstacle to holding onto hope and trust is the judgment I have felt.  Though some of it is a manifestation of my own struggles and the lies I believe, it has been difficult when the reason, “God asked me to,” has not been enough – even for believers.  As I look back on those times, most of them have taught me crucial things, and I’ve seen God’s blessing in amazing ways.  I am still waiting for the ‘point’ of some recent decisions, but I have to believe He will provide as He has in the past.

I recently made a decision to do something God asked me to do. I am sure I heard Him clearly, and I fought Him, per my usual process.  But only a couple of people know what I did, and only a couple more knew I was even considering it.  The other day, God asked me why I hadn’t told anyone else.  I had wanted my answer to simply be because it hadn’t really come up in conversation with anyone, but I knew that wasn’t really the reason.  I was afraid of more judgment.  From human perspective, my decision seemed impractical, and I wasn’t feeling up for defending my decision – or the feeling of failure that has been haunting me over the last year.  Then God asked me why I felt like I had to defend a decision that was made in faith – made because my heart’s desire was to follow Him.

There is a song by Matt Maher called Your Love Defends Me.  He wants to be my defender.  When I feel like I’m all alone, His love defends me.  He is the strength of my soul, and He is with me in this fight.

If I believe this, then I have to also believe that where I am at, my present circumstances, have nothing to do with my ability or worth – that I am not a failure – but are simply where God has me as He works in me and my environment for His perfect timing to open the next path He has for me.

Almost two weeks ago, I sold my car.  I had argued with Him for almost two months about the practicality of that decision. I’m in the middle of a job hunt – a need for steady income.  I’m fighting depression, which gets worse with isolation.  What possible good could come from selling my car?  Yes, it could provide some temporary relief from the financial stress, but it would be very temporary, and I still need to find steady income.  Is selling my car giving up on finding a job?

This is where my trust and hope needs to kick in, and I have to hold on tight.  If I believe God asked me to sell my car (which sold less than 15 hours after I listed it – by someone who drove over two hours to buy it), then I have to believe that God is going to provide.  He knows what I need, and is more than capable of providing.  He will either provide a vehicle in an unexpected way; or He will provide the finances to procure a vehicle in an unexpected way; or He will provide a job that I can either get to by walking or public transportation.

And as I wait for that provision, I will get out of my own way and go after what I truly want – to write. I have two finished books, and about five of them floating through my head.  I have given into fear as I never heard back from the first agent to whom I submitted my books.  But this is what I want.  I want to write.  That’s the main reason I have been looking for a part time job instead of going back to work full time.  I want time to write.  I want to get the books out of my head onto ‘paper’.   I want to believe that God wants to give me the desires of my heart.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

Four Little Words

Before I begin my story, there are a few things you need to know about me, if you don’t already.  I am afraid of heights (to the point of not even wanting to stand on a chair), and I don’t like being barefoot (to the point of not being able to walk barefoot on the beach or on grass).  I am also a dancer, but I prefer to choreograph things ahead of time.  I’ve never been very comfortable with improvisation (with anything, really, but especially when it comes to dance).  These are important things to remember about me toward the end of this story.

It isn’t often that I can say that I am sure of what God is doing in my life at any given moment, but there isn’t a doubt that He loves me.  One of the ways I see that in my life is He communicates with me in the ways He knows I’ll understand – in the ways He knows I will hear Him and respond.  Since He created me, He knows every detail of my heart and mind.  He not only knows that I have a tendency to be ‘a little’ stubborn, but He completely takes that into account when He asks me to do or work on something.  Throughout my life, I’ve been told that I shouldn’t argue with God.  Trusting Him means just blindly following what He asks.  For some people, that might work – but He knows me better than that.  He knows that when He asks me to step outside my comfort zone, I will fight Him (and most likely tell Him that I not only won’t do it, but I really don’t like Him in that moment).  But, unlike the many people who have told me I need to have more ‘faith’, God simply says, “I know.  It’s okay.  Do what you need to do.  I’m not going anywhere.  We’ll walk through this together.”  So what often happens is that He will put a thought in my head well before He actually wants me to do anything about it, just so I can fight Him and tell Him all the reasons I can’t do it.  Then, by the time He actually wants me to take that step, my heart is fully prepared for stepping into the unknown area outside my comfort zone.  You’d think I’d start to see it coming, but I’m still amazed when I step outside my comfort zone and then look back and realize that He’s been preparing my heart for a while.  The most recent example of that happened a few weeks ago.  Actually, it began a few months ago, just before my birthday.

I was listening to music (the language God often chooses to speak to me through), and a song started playing that I’ve heard quite a few times before.  I really like the song, but a line in it struck me in a way it hadn’t ever before.  The line is “You’re worth it.”  I stopped what I was doing at the time because I knew He was trying to tell me something.  He said, “You don’t believe that to be true about yourself, do you?”  My response was, “Of course not.  Why would I believe that?”  In that moment, I realized that I had been carrying around this message for my entire life – I’m not worth it.  When I shared this revelation with a couple of friends, I remember telling them, “This is big.”  I’ve done quite a bit of work on old messages from my past, but something felt different about this one.  It is deeply rooted, and it is so ingrained in me that I struggle with even calling it what it is – a lie.  After God revealed this message, I started looking back over some writing I had done for the book I’m working on, and I started seeing the manifestation of that message over and over.  Since then, I have started to see that message popping up as God has continued to work over the last few months.  Everything that He’s had me work on – everything I’ve struggled with and wrestled through leads down a path that ends with that message.  He’s been asking me to fight for me, but I’ve not been sure I am worth the fight.  He’s been asking me to take a step deeper into the emotional waters so I can begin building deeper connections and intimacy, but I’ve hesitated because I’m afraid of rejection.  I’ve been afraid that I will only find the reinforcement of that message – I’m not worth it.  So if I just don’t take the step – if I deem myself ‘not worth it’ before anyone else can – I’ll save myself from the pain of that rejection.  But what God started to show me was that I’ve been looking for some external confirmation and assurance that the message ‘I’m not worth it’ is truly a lie.  That is a part of my wiring – to look for external confirmation and assurance rather than trusting myself.  God said, “As long as you believe the lie and continue to tell yourself you’re not worth it, there are no amount of external words or experiences that could possibly convince you otherwise.”

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  God asked me to share my story at our last HeartChange workshop.  I shared the first part on Thursday, and I finished my story on Sunday.  On Friday, I wrote out what I was going to share on Sunday, and as I finished writing, I knew there was something missing.  The end wasn’t quite the end.  I knew He wanted me to say something else, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what that was.  On Sunday, about an hour before I was going to share the rest of my story, He revealed what He wanted me to say.  I rolled my eyes and said, “Seriously?  I have to say that?  You do realize I’ve never said those words before, right?  And I’m not sure how comfortable I am saying them now, especially in a room where there are people who probably believe those words more than I do right now.”  His response was, “That’s exactly why you need to say those words.  We’ve been talking about this since before your birthday.”  Again I rolled my eyes, realizing He had been preparing my heart for months for this very moment, and as I finished telling my story I said, “God told me I had to say this – mostly because these words have never come out of my mouth,” and as quickly as I could (and as I was turning to walk away as quickly as I could), I said, “I am worth it.”

I can’t honestly say that I fully believe those words or that everything is now magically fixed in my life, but I know something broke open when I said those words.  I’m still working through the full meaning of what happened (and I know God will continue to reveal His purpose and work), but those four words coming out of my mouth caused me to connect to a part of myself I hadn’t ever connected to before.  And I’ve seen the manifestation of that in ways that may not seem like much to those who don’t really know me, but they are huge.

The day after the workshop (the day after saying those four little words), a group of us went to a park and worshipped.  Someone had his guitar, and he played, we all sang, and a bunch of us danced.  At one point, God said, “Take your shoes off.”  I’m standing on concrete at the time, and I said, “No, thank you.”  Again He said, “Take your shoes off,” and He added what seems to be His favorite phrase over the past few months, “It’s time.”  After a few moments of inner temper tantrum, I stepped out of my flip flops.  All I could focus on was how uncomfortable the ground felt on my feet.  I wasn’t really paying attention to the music being played (which is saying a lot if you know me at all).  Then God said, “Ok, now you can tap.”  I stood still for a few moments, trying to reason with Him that if just standing on the concrete was uncomfortable, tapping wasn’t going to make it better, but I somehow lost that argument. 😉  After a few minutes of tapping, a friend of mine leaned over and excitedly said, “You’re dancing without choreography.”  It was a simple statement of truth, but I hadn’t really thought about it until then – I was just dancing.  Then my friend decided that it would be much better for me to tap on the smooth surface of the table than on the concrete.  I told God that I didn’t really like Him in that moment and really didn’t appreciate his sense of humor, but I still ended up dancing on a table.  After some more dancing on the concrete (still barefoot)  with a group of friends (and a couple of girls who randomly asked if they could join us), my friend asked me when the last time was that I had stood barefoot in the grass.  I couldn’t really answer her because I actually couldn’t remember when the last time had been.  She took my hand and walked with me over to the grass and patiently waited for me to step out of my comfort zone.  We stood together in the grass for a couple of minutes, and I wondered to myself, “What is happening?  This is not normal.”  God said, “Do you remember what you said yesterday?  Just as you knew that the negative message I revealed to you a few months ago was a big deal, you need to realize that what you said yesterday was huge.  Step into that more.  I know you don’t fully believe it yet, but hold onto that.  Say it again.  Keep saying it.  Do what you need to do because there is a part of you that will never fully come alive until you believe those four words to be true.”

He’s been asking me to write about this since it happened.  I’ve tried to use the excuse of not having time to write, but that’s not entirely true.  I’m just still not comfortable with those four words, and I knew that I’d have to say them again.  So He made me say them anyway.  For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you’ve seen my updated cover photo.  He made me put that there until I “found the time” to write this (though I have a feeling it will stay up for a while even after writing this…).  And He’s told me that as I step deeper into those four words, they will continue to open more and more of who He created me to be.  That is both exciting and scary to me, but I trust Him to be there with me (even as I throw my temper tantrums).  I have been dancing more and walking barefoot more (maybe not as much as most people would consider ‘a lot’, but it’s a huge step for me).  And I know He will continue to unfold His plan as I connect with those unlocked parts of me.  I am worth it!

Home

I am sitting here on an air mattress looking around my ‘getting close to empty’ place knowing that I’m supposed to write. So here I am (kicking and screaming just a little bit…). It is my last night in what has been ‘home’ for over ten and a half years. As the tears that I’ve been fighting for the last month begin to flow, God and I are having a discussion about the word ‘home’. One of the dictionary definitions of the word is – the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household; of or relating to the place where one lives. There are several things that strike me in this definition. The first word that pops out is ‘permanently’. In my life, I’ve lived in eight places that I’ve called home according to this particular definition, but, obviously, none of them have been permanent (and it doesn’t count anywhere that I’ve stayed for less than two or three months). It is interesting to me that the word permanently is used in this definition because there really isn’t anything that is permanent in this life. My permanent home will be in heaven. The second thing that jumps out at me is ‘especially as a member of a family or household’. For the last ten and a half years, I have lived alone. My little place is part of a larger house so I have had the ability to have interaction with the owners when I’ve wanted, but I live alone. Being a member of a family is a somewhat foreign concept to me. I didn’t really have that sense growing up with my biological family, but God has provided people I’ve considered family in my life. But I don’t live with those people so it’s still a little odd for me to see that as a part of the definition of the word home. It makes sense to me intellectually, it is just not something I have personally experienced. The other thing that stands out to me is just the idea of home being a specific, physical place. It is an accurate definition, but God has been talking to me about that lately – mostly in an effort to get me to access the emotions that are bound to come up when a huge life transition happens. These four walls have seen a lot over the years. From the good and the not so good moments of my last serious relationship – to helping the original owners’ son with his homework – to finding out that the original owners, who had become good friends, were moving out and watching the new owners move in. These walls have watched me dance. They’ve heard me cry. At times, they have held me up as I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. They saw each of my cats being brought into my home, and they watched as each cat took his last breath. They’ve witnessed the building of relationship that I had never experienced anywhere else. They’ve seen the joy and the sorrows. They’ve heard the laughter and the tears. They’ve witnessed the creative side and the analytical side. They’ve heard the unique conversations with God and watched the transformation of my life after HeartChange. They have even seen me climb a ladder or two (plus climbing on top of the fridge). They’ve heard my hopes and dreams, and they hold the memories of the first place that has truly felt like home to me. I know that all of those memories are in my heart – there is no fear of leaving those behind – and I know that God has some awesome plans for me. But there is a sadness as I think about my final night here and walking out that door tomorrow. I am leaving this home, but I know it was never intended to be permanent.

As a verb, the word home means to move or be aimed toward a target or destination with great accuracy. That definition made me laugh. There’s no doubt that God is moving me toward a target or destination right now. And I can trust that it is with great accuracy. I really have no idea what is coming next, but I know He does. I am pretty sure that I’m going to be doing some couch surfing for a little bit. Part of the reason for that is He wants to continue to stretch me. Not having a long term living situation will put me very far outside my comfort zone. I’ve never really not known where I was going to be living. I’ve moved quite a bit in my life, but I always knew where I was going before I actually moved. This is new for me. I also think He’s got some things He is working out before His next ‘target’ is ready – both in my life specifically and just in the circumstances as He prepares the next landing spot for me. In some ways, I’m excited to see what God is wanting to show me during this time. Of course, it also scares the crap out of me. I’m trying to listen to Him and step out in faith with all He is asking of me right now, but it’s not easy. I’m in the process of selling a lot of my stuff. He’s taken care of the majority of my furniture already, and I will be having a garage sale in a couple weeks. He wants me to try and sell just about everything, and whatever doesn’t sell is what I’m supposed to keep. I have no idea what I’ll end up with after that garage sale. As I try not to curl up into a ball under my weighted blanket, I have had some thoughts about some things that He could be preparing me for. All of them could be really interesting, but they are also well outside my comfort zone. I’m sure that’s why He’s working on expanding the borders of that comfort zone. It will be interesting to see what target or destination He has me home in on, but I know, even when I’m kicking and screaming, He’s got perfect accuracy.

Another definition of home is ‘relaxed and comfortable; at ease’. This is not always defined by four walls. I feel at home when I am with the people I care about. In my processing through the idea of doing some couch surfing, quite a bit of anxiety has come up because of how far outside my comfort zone that is. But there has also been something else that has come up – a feeling of home. I have had so many offers of a couch to sleep on. If all of this moving transition had happened two years ago – well, actually just 13 months ago – I don’t think I would have survived. I wouldn’t have had many options of places to go and may have ended up just sleeping in my car. But He knew what He was doing. The people I met through HeartChange have become family. God is showing me again and again that He has built up this community of support in my life for a reason. There no longer is only one or two people in my life that care about me. I could crash on a different couch every week for the next two months and know that each couch was ‘home’ for that week simply because the person offering is family. I can be relaxed and comfortable or at ease. I may not like the idea of not having a place of my own right now, but I won’t be without a home. And the tears of sadness mingle with the tears of joy as I am reminded that I am loved. My heart has found a home that will not be affected by the physical location of my body. For that I am extremely grateful.

To Be Known

When I was growing up, and even into adulthood, one of my main struggles was with feeling like I was invisible.  There are several stories I could tell about how that message was presented and reinforced in my life – some one time events and others ongoing situations that continually reminded me that my existence was not important enough to be acknowledged.  One of those ongoing situations was Christmas Eve with my family.

For as long as I can remember, my family spent Christmas Eve with my dad’s side of the family, and we spent Christmas Day with my mom’s family.  My dad had a large family – seven sisters and two brothers (plus my dad’s brother who died at a young age).  My dad fell close to the middle so I had some cousins that were my age and quite a few second cousins that were around the same age.  Until sixth or seventh grade, we would go to my aunt’s house every Christmas Eve.  My dad’s family would come and go throughout the evening, and most of them were people I would only see on Christmas Eve.  My cousin and I would look at each other as people came in and ask, “Do you know who that is?  Which sister/brother do they belong to?”  When I was in junior high, my aunt and uncle got transferred and had to move a couple of hours away.  That’s when we started hosting Christmas Eve at our house.  Because I am so uncomfortable around people I don’t really know, I could have easily chosen to hide away in my room all night.  Some years, I would leave for a bit to go to a Christmas Eve service just to not have to be in that environment.  But for the most part, I would sit at the little island in our kitchen and just listen to the conversation that was pretty much the same each year.  How many times had each sibling been married/divorced?  Which spouse came in what order?  Which kids belong to which spouse?  There was something else that was pretty much the same each year.  I could sit at that island the entire night, and not one person would say a single word to me.  I would guess that if you asked most of them, including my immediate family, they would say that I was the ‘quiet’ one so they didn’t want to pressure me to talk, but it just reinforced how little my family actually knew me and how little I really mattered.  I was invisible in my own home, even when I put myself in the middle of the ‘action’.

That feeling of invisibility has haunted me most of my life, and though I still struggle with it from time to time, I have found myself feeling much more visible in the last year.  I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about why that is.  I went through HeartChange and met some awesome people that I consider family, and they have shown me what belonging and acceptance and grace truly look like.  It made sense that those things would help me to feel more visible.  Last week, I realized that there is more to it than that.  Those things are important, but I was missing something God wanted me to see.  I was at a small group one night, and the host was asking each person if they wanted tea.  When she got to me, before I could even open my mouth, she said, “Would you like some water?”  I don’t like tea – I never have – but I can remember times in my past where people would ask me over and over if I wanted any tea.  It seemed like I was just having conversations in my head about not liking tea because no one seemed to know that about me.  But this person, after only one time of me saying that I don’t drink tea, remembered that and offered water which was what I had asked for that first time I said that I don’t drink tea.  This wasn’t the first night she had offered me water (or anything else to drink), but it was the first night I realized God was trying to tell me something.  I felt something that night – something I was only starting to get truly comfortable with.  I felt known.  I felt loved.  As I listened later that night to what God was trying to tell me, I kept thinking about little things that had been happening over the last year that were making me feel known by more than just the one or two exceptions in my life to that point.  The only hot beverage I really drink is hot chocolate, but I don’t like it really hot.  Over the last year, I’ve had people make me hot chocolate and leave a little room in the cup to add cold water if it was too hot.  People who know that I have issues with my lower back have checked in with how my back was doing as we have set up and cleaned up workshops.  Multiple people know that I don’t like my foods to touch, I am a huge sports fan, and I love root beer.  They are such simple things, but those simple things being known have had huge significance.  I am not invisible.  I am known.  Even in the small things.  Knowing that has helped me to step deeper into the more vulnerable and big things.  I can trust that I am safe, and there are people around me who care and want to know me.  As I let that sink in a little more, I realized something else.  God wants to be known.  He knows everything about each and every one of us because He created each and every amazing, intricate detail.  And He wants us to know Him.

As I sat on the beach on my birthday a little over a month ago, I watched my friends being rescued, and I couldn’t move for a while.  God kept telling me to stay where I was at, and no matter how much I wanted to go and see how bad things were, I could not get up – could not even move an arm or leg.  As I’ve shared that story, one response I’ve gotten is that people were glad that I listened to Him and stayed put.  My response was usually, “I didn’t really have a choice.  He sat on me.”  His quick and adamant response was, “You always have a choice, my child.”  As we talked about what happened that day, He said, “If you were not listening, if you did not know my voice – know Me – you would not have even noticed that I was there, wanting you to stay in that spot.  It was your choice to hear My voice because it was your choice to know My voice – to know My Spirit.  And it was your choice to stay and listen.  You could have gotten up at any time, but you listened.  You know My voice.  You know Me.  You may not understand all of it, but keep listening to My voice.  Get to know Me more.  Go deeper.  Just as you have felt the significance of being known, I desire that with you.  Know Me.”  I haven’t really thought much about what could have happened if I hadn’t heard and listened to His voice that day.  I do know I would have gone in the water, and I know it would have been a pretty stupid thing to do.  I am glad that my heart recognized His voice, and I now have a new, vast desire to know Him more.

 

The Unmaking of an Emotional Stuffer

I was never allowed to express emotion growing up.  As a five year old, that message was already ingrained.  I became an expert stuffer.  Throughout my life, I’ve been told that I am hard to read.  I took pride in that for a long time.  That meant I wasn’t weak.  I wasn’t vulnerable.  I wasn’t stupid enough to risk more rejection and abandonment.  Of course, it also meant that I wasn’t actually living.  When you stuff, you don’t get to choose which emotions you feel and which ones you don’t.  They all get stuffed.  I may not have been vulnerable – I may not have cried (shown weakness) in front of people – but I also didn’t truly feel joy, peace, or love.

God has worked mightily in my life to bring me to a point where I could feel emotions and identify them as I was feeling them.  When it came to expressing those emotions, however, there was still a wall that I was fighting to keep up because I had pictures running through my head of what happens when I allow myself to express emotions, especially tears, around others.  I am an experiential learner.  I could hear about, or read about, how crying is natural, human, beneficial, and important in healing and relationship, but that doesn’t change the fact that my experience told me that crying only caused people to walk away.  I never had someone hold my hand or put their arm around me or hold me or even just sit with me when I cried.  Crying was an isolating thing for me.  I was 26 or 27 years old the first time someone actually just held me while I cried.  She was the exception in my life, and it was hard for me to stretch that across all of the opposite reactions I had experienced when I allowed myself to fully connect and express my emotions.  Even throughout my friendship with her, there were times when others would reinforce those old messages of rejection. Then that would leave me believing my friend was truly the exception in my life, and I could never figure out why she cared – because I certainly didn’t deserve that if everyone else was rejecting me.

This past weekend, I volunteered at a HeartChange workshop again.  When I went through HeartChange myself, it changed my life.  I keep going back because God keeps showing me more and more of how He sees me, and He keeps working in me to prepare me for His purpose.  Over the weekend, someone shared a song that I had never heard before.  Music is my language with God.  He speaks to me more through music than any other way.  And music forces me to connect to my emotions.  That was the theme of the weekend for me.  He wanted me to allow myself to let the wall down and trust that He had something different for me.  And, boy did He pile it on this weekend! 😉  This particular song that was shared is called The Unmaking by Nichole Nordeman (check it out if you haven’t heard it…I’ve been dancing to it for days).  When I heard it, I knew that it had a special significance in God’s plan for me that day.  I had been fighting Him the entire workshop, knowing what it was He wanted me to do.  I told a few people what God was trying to do because I really did want to trust Him, but this was an area that was so risky for me.  I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle any more rejection.  Would there really be anyone there if I let that wall down and just allowed some of those stuffed emotions to come out?  When you stuff emotions, they don’t go anywhere.  They never just disappear or evaporate.  At some point, they have to be released.  And God kept telling me that it was time to take that step.  But I just kept seeing the pictures in my head of people walking away or trying to fix things when I would cry.  Could there be another experience for me?  God kept telling me that I would never know if I didn’t try.  That’s why I told a couple people about what was going on.  I wanted to at least open the door to creating an environment where a different experience could be possible.

On Sunday, I knew He would be pushing my buttons.  He allows me to have my process, which involves fighting the step He wants me to take, but then He will gently push me off the cliff if I can’t jump.  I knew the push was coming.  As I sat where He told me to sit (away from the door so it wasn’t easy to bolt), He told me to look around the room.  He said, “This is different than it has ever been.  You know that.  This is a safe place.  These people are safe.  You belong here.”  And I knew He was right.  As I sat there fighting with Him, there were people in that room who were keeping an eye on me, knowing what was happening.  The night before, one person had asked me what it would look like when that wall came down and what I needed when it happened.  That question almost brought down the wall right then and there because I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she really wanted to know the answer because she wanted to be able to make sure that I had what I needed so this could be a different experience.  To feel that as I sat there was huge for me.  I still fought, but I knew I was safe.

There’s a line in one of the songs from the workshop that says, “Don’t you think it’s time?”  I hear it every workshop, and God taps me on the shoulder each time.  But this time, there was no tap.  There was a flashing neon sign in my head.  Don’t you think it’s time?  I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fight much longer.  I had a couple of things that I had to take care of so I did those quickly after that song was over, and then I told one of the people keeping an eye on me that I was getting close.  Then I sat down and listened for a bit.  I wanted to respond to what God was saying to me (there might have been a desire to yell at Him…), but I was sitting in the middle of a room full of people who were trying to pay attention to what was happening in the workshop.  So I grabbed some paper and wrote my responses to God as we talked.  We went back and forth for a bit before I put my notebook down.  I had told Him that He was going to have to push me because I just could not jump.  He stood next to me and took my hand.  Then He said, “Will you jump with me?”  That’s when the ‘down in the trenches’ battle truly began.  I had my eyes closed because I knew that if I opened them, I would be pulled out of that space.  And I was exactly where I needed to be.  When I start to feel a connection with my emotions that is strong enough to produce an outward expression, I get extremely anxious.  When I get anxious, I tend to move a lot.  Normally, I would have left the room – maybe gone to the bathroom – so I could take some deep breaths and gain control again.  But I knew I couldn’t do that.  So my leg started bouncing up and down uncontrollably.  It was an attempt to distract myself from that emotional connection…to once again regain control.  I looked at Him and said, “Do you promise that the result will not be the same as when I’ve jumped before?”  His response was, “Will you jump with me and find out?”  Of course, that just aggravated me so we spent some time going back and forth because I wanted assurance that the jump would be worth it.

I really had no idea what was going on around me at the time.  I was filled in later, but at one point I felt someone standing next to me, and that person began rubbing my back.  For an instant, I was tempted to open my eyes just to see who it was, but I knew I couldn’t because I would be pulled from that space, and I needed to be in that space.  It was a little while before I finally said that I would jump.  My leg stopped bouncing, I took a deep breath, and we jumped.  The tears started coming, and I looked at Him and said, “Now what?”  He just said, “Stay there.  I’ve got this.”  I heard someone say that it was time for break which meant that I had a job to do, but it didn’t register in my head.  Of course, God really did have it.  Someone asked me a question, and I was sure she was talking to me, and I recognized every individual word, but I could not make sense of what she was asking me.  Later I realized that God made sure that I couldn’t make sense of it because if I had, I would have immediately pulled myself out of that space, gained control, and gone to do my job.  At one point, I felt a hand on me briefly, and even though I wasn’t looking, I knew who had touched me and what it meant.  It was the person who had asked me what the wall coming down would look like and what I needed.  And in that touch, I knew that she knew, and I knew that she would do everything she could to make sure I got what I needed.  I allowed myself to stay in that space and was careful to do what I needed to make sure I didn’t go back up into my head.  I told someone that I needed to leave the room because I wouldn’t be able to stay in that space once everyone came back in after break.  So a couple of people went to another room with me, and I did my best to allow the emotional release to continue.  One of them wasn’t fully aware of what was happening, and I wanted to explain, but I knew that if I started talking, I would go back into my head, and it would become an intellectual, factual thing instead of staying in the emotional state.  So I just let her be with me and pray, knowing that God was there and in control.  There were a few times when I would get distracted by something I’d hear, and I would feel like I should really be back in the other room ‘doing’ things.  Each time, the person with me would speak to it and tell me not to listen to that – that everything was taken care of – that I was where I needed to be.  And she just held me.  As she did, God brought the pictures up in my head of when people had walked away – the times that I needed nothing more than a hand to hold or a hug.  Each individual picture would come to mind, and God would say, “Let her hold you through this.  This is what should have happened originally.”  Another person came in later and gave me a hug and held me for a bit.  I know that happened because God wanted to make sure that I knew that it wasn’t just one or two people who were there for me.  The whole thing was this amazing, healing process.

I still have some work to do, but I can no longer say that my one friend is the exception in my life.  I have found a place where I belong.  I have found people who show me what unconditional love looks like.  People who show me that it is ok for me to be me – without judgment or a push to change me.  People who show me, in tangible ways, that I don’t have to believe the lie that says I am not good enough and I deserve to be alone.  I have found family.

This was where the walls gave way.  This was demolition day.

This is my unmaking.

Exhale

 “It’s okay to not be okay.”

This is the first line of a song that I have been listening to over and over today.  It’s called ‘Exhale’ by Plumb.  Music has always been hugely impactful in my life.  It is how God speaks to me more often than not.  It is how I have connected to my emotions.  It is how I process through the things I experience and learn.  Over the last three or four months, I have experienced and learned so much.  Some of the lessons may seem small to most, but they have completely changed my life – and honestly, saved it.

As I have been processing my experiences over the last few months, one of the things I realized is that what we inhale greatly impacts what we exhale.  If we inhale toxins, we will have a very difficult time exhaling freedom, love, or joy.  Throughout my life, I have constantly inhaled judgment, rejection, abandonment, and fear.  With each breath, I began to build a wall.  My childhood provided a strong foundation, and the wall just grew and grew as I continued to breathe in toxins for almost 40 years.

15 years ago, I met the first person who did not exhale toxins in my life.  She was the exception to the rule.  When she said she loved me, I actually believed it.  I began to question the voices that kept saying I wasn’t worth it – that there was something wrong with me.  She continued to love me no matter what, but I was still inhaling so many toxins.

3 years ago, I met someone else who exhaled love into my life.  She stood by me as I began my journey of ‘detoxing’ those negative voices.  She encouraged me to be myself and did not turn away or judge when I could barely keep my head above water.

When I felt my life spiraling, and I questioned the point of it all, it was the love and support of these two that kept me going.   If they saw something worth caring about, it was logical that I needed to find that within myself.

The last few months have been about ‘detoxing’.  I have been able to start exhaling those toxins from my life…the fear, the anxiety, the worthlessness.  And the reason I’ve been able to do that is because I have found a group of people who have exhaled love and grace into my life.  Not since dance was my entire world have I ever felt like I belonged or was accepted the way I have been the last few months.  I have not inhaled even a whiff of judgment or rejection, and that has allowed me to begin to step into the person God created me to be.  I am so grateful for my heartchange family.

This is the chorus of ‘Exhale’:

Just let go
Let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

These people have (and continue to) just let go and let His love wrap around them.  And when they exhale, it is a beautiful breath of only love and grace.

For those of you who are constantly inhaling toxins, I pray that you find a community who begins to exhale God’s breath of life.  For those who have let go and inhale God’s love, I pray that you continue to exhale into the lives of others.  You may never know the lives it will save.

 

 

Shades of Purple

If you ask anyone who knows me (and a lot of people who have just met me), they should be able to tell you what my favorite color is without much hesitation.  For three years, my hair was purple.  I have gone back to my natural hair color, but will be adding a purple streak soon.  There are few days when I am not wearing something purple.  I love the color.  And I believe there is a reason for that.

I went away for the weekend to be by myself.  It’s something that I need from time to time, and it has been too long since I’ve last done it.  Throughout the weekend, I kept being led to thoughts on color.  It’s hard to explain how my mind works so I apologize if this starts to go several different directions.  I am constantly thinking about several things at the same time, and I never really know when God is going to interrupt with a new thread.  I don’t often create what is considered normal ‘quiet time’ to talk with God.  He talks to me whenever He wants because I am always listening for His voice.  I hear Him best when I am actively thinking about something else or when He speaks through others, not when I am sitting still waiting for Him to speak.  I spent a lot of time walking today, listening to music and enjoying the scenery.  God and I had some great conversation, even when I was arguing with Him, and even when I was pushing for answers that He was not willing to give.

I spend the majority of my time working as a business analyst.  It’s not really what I saw myself doing, but it pays the bills – and I’m really good at my job.  The reason I’m good at my job has less to do with training/schooling as it has to do with how I am wired.  My mind likes numbers.  It likes solutions.  It likes right and wrong.  It likes black and white.  I have always, and probably always will, look for black and white answers.

But my favorite color is purple.  When you hear the word ‘purple’ what do you think of?  Plum?  Violet?  Lavender?  Eggplant?  Light?  Dark?  There are so many shades of every major color we think of.  Have you ever tried to buy paint?  Some places have color swatch books that are inches thick – every subtle difference in shading imaginable.

On my walk, I took this picture…

What colors do you see?

We do not live in a black and white world.  We live in a world full of color.  But it’s not just blue or green or brown…it is subtle, and not so subtle, differences in shading.  It’s impossible to look at anything and see just one thing.  I found this website that shows different meanings of different colors.  I included the meanings of purple above.  There are so many different words – so many things that purple can convey to different people.  It is the same for every color included.  Here is the link if you want to check it out…

http://www.arttherapyblog.com/resources/color-meanings-symbolism-charts/#purplecolorchart

Does it surprise you that God created a world full of people who are so unique that they can look at the same thing and think and feel so differently?  There are so many shades of color because there are so many different people.  God isn’t black and white.  He is shades of purple…and shades of blue…and shades of green…and shades of gray.

His words to me lately have been about those shades.  He knows that I want a definitive ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  He knows that I will always seek that no matter how much I learn or how comfortable I may get with the ‘unknown’ and the ‘gray’.  I will still want black and white.  And He’s ok with that because He knows my heart.  He knows that at the end of the day I will follow Him wherever He leads.  So He will allow me to question Him, argue with Him, and push Him for answers because, though He created me with an analytical mind, He also created me with a creative side that thrives off of shades of gray.  I’ve asked a lot of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions lately, and His answer has been the same.

“You are so intent on having a definitive answer, but it’s never that simple.  The question isn’t what I want you to do or the direction I want you to go.  The question is ‘Are you paying attention?’  If you go right, are you watching to see how I work?  If you go left, are you watching to see how I work?  That is all that matters.  Which way you go is up to you.  I will work either way.”

I have spent most of my life trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  I always thought that was what was best.  I don’t really have that desire anymore.  I am 100% positive that God created me uniquely, and He gave me a brain that He intended for me to use.  I don’t always like it, but it has always been clear to me that God wired me in a way that most of the world will never understand.  That makes me feel extremely isolated most of the time, and that has caused me to continue to try and live based off of what others think is best.  And I in no way think that what is best for me is best for anyone else.  There is no right or wrong.  Where would God’s creativity be displayed if there was a simple, across the board, answer for what is best?  I am finally starting to realize that I will never get to where I want to be if I continue to live based off of what others believe.  It won’t be an easy road, but I am ready to live my life without needing a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.  I will still ask for them because that is a part of my wiring.  But I commit to also embrace the shades of gray.  God commanded us to LOVE.  It is why Jesus died for us.  It is what we are called to do.  It means that we have to figure out a way to accept the shades of gray.  Because God is not black and white.