I believe in God, but right now, I do not trust Him. I tell Him this multiple times every day. His response is always the same – “I know. It’s ok.” I find this response comforting and infuriating at the same time. I also find it interesting. When I tell people that I do not trust God, the responses are varied, but there are very few who truly believe that it is ok that I don’t trust Him. But He does. He knows where I have been. He knows where I am right now. And He knows where my journey will take me – every step. What am I going to say? Lie? Pretend? He knows. The only thing I would accomplish by saying that I trust Him is making other people more comfortable. He knows that I can’t trust Him right now, but it’s ok. It’s a part of the process. My faith is being destroyed so that it can be rebuilt. Yes, I said “is being destroyed”. I 100% believe that this is something God is doing to me. Now before you start in on ‘freewill’, let me explain something. I chose to follow God years ago. Every decision I have made since then has been because I believed God was leading me in that direction. He opened the door for this journey to begin. It was my choice to walk through that door. There came a point in my journey where I knew my faith would have to be destroyed. Like so much of my life, it was built on a false foundation. A foundation created by what other people decided was best for me or what other people expected of me. My current journey is about rebuilding my faith on a foundation that is truly my own – a foundation that embraces the uniqueness of how God created me. That process will take some time, and I refuse to skip steps or pretend that I am ok with what is happening to me right now.
But that doesn’t mean that I am not fighting or that I have trivial or juvenile expectations of God doing what I want Him to do. I fight for my faith every moment of every day. What is the point of faith if it is not worth fighting for? But I am called to fight in my own way. We all are called to fight in our own ways. My fight shouldn’t look like someone else’s because God created us all uniquely. A large part of my fight is figuring out who I am and then leaning into that – being comfortable and ok with the way God created me, even when it feels completely isolating.
Right now, I find no hope or trust in my faith. It is filled only with fears, darkness, loneliness, exhaustion, and relentless pain. Yet, still I fight. I am facing the demons of my past. The ones who have lied about my worth. The ones who have rejected and neglected me. The ones who convinced me that everything is my fault. The ones who have shaped how I see myself and the world. This space is confusing, frightening, frustrating, and profoundly painful. Yet, still I fight. It would be easier to pretend that I trust God. But in that space I deprive myself of knowing God in the unique way that He created me to know Him. It would be easier to walk away. I am angry with God, and I honestly don’t want to trust Him. I wonder how much more I can take. It feels like a game, and I am tired of playing. Yet, still I fight. I don’t know where this journey will take me. There are days when I am completely convinced that I will never trust God again. Yet, still I fight. I feel alone in this journey, and I often wonder if the fight is worth it. What does it matter if I rebuild my faith and still find myself isolated and alone? Yet, still I fight.
I talk to God on a constant basis. I will continue to do so. I will also continue to hit Him, to push Him away, to wrestle with Him, to yell at Him, to curse at Him, to distrust Him, and to dance with Him. I will be angry with Him for what I have experienced and for the lack of answers. I will not believe the people who tell me that He loves me, that He cares about me, that He is worthy of my trust. It is all a part of my process. And God is big enough to handle it. He is right by my side, and He will continue to ask me to dance, and He will continue to tell me it’s ok that I don’t trust Him. Because He knows my journey. And He is holding and protecting that part of me that will someday trust Him again – that part of me that will become the foundation of my faith. Until then, I will fight in my own way. And I will wait for the sun to shine.