Leave it to me to find a way to be lazy and run fast and hard at the same time. Contradictions are a huge part of who I am. I am a creature of habit. I like to be in a routine (a big reason I’m not enjoying my hour drive toLodi– I’m completely out of routine). On the other hand, I am a procrastinator who thrives on an element of chaos. There is never a moment that my mind is not working. Things randomly pop into my head even when (or maybe especially when) I am deeply focused on what I am currently doing. This has become routine to me. I have begun to understand that this is my ‘normal’. Within that ‘normal’, I am learning that almost every aspect of my personality contradicts another. I am finding that there is beauty (and, sometimes, advantages) in these contradictions. But…sometimes, they are still just frustrating.
My degree is in Accounting, but my biggest passion in life is dance. One day, I will do math problems and spreadsheets to relax, and the next…scrapbook and wrap presents. I can write technical instructions or real life experiences one day, and then poetry or a drama script the next. When I cook, I have to measure everything exactly, but I refuse to make my bed, and I can’t work when my desk is too clean. I absolutely love kids, but I do not want any of my own. I am a rule follower, but I will rebel if I feel that I’m being labeled or made to fit in a box (or the rule holds more tradition than logic). I hate change & do not consider myself a risk taker, but I have willingly brought change upon myself, stepping into risk because I believed it was the right thing to do. And I have found that the things I want most in life are the very things that cause the most fear and anxiety.
There has been a question that has been running through my mind since my time on the beach in Monterey last October. ‘What do you want?’ Though follow up questions have changed, that original question has remained constant. There are several things that I want in my life right now, but the answer to most of the follow up questions (What’s stopping you?; Why aren’t you moving more aggressively toward that?) is fear. There was a time when that fear was just around the belief that I didn’t deserve those things so why even try. Recently, though, that fear has changed a little. There’s still an element of fearing that I don’t really deserve what I want, but the fear is more strongly tied to what happens if I actually get what I want. What if I can’t handle everything that comes with being in a relationship? What if I’m not good enough to do the job I really want? The fear has shifted from me being disappointed to me disappointing others.
I know that I am standing at a door. I hate doors. They represent choices. They represent change. They represent the unknown. I don’t like any of those things. So I sit at the door and stare at it, hoping if I wait long enough, it will open so I can see what’s on the other side. You’d think I’d be used to opening the door by now, but there’s a routine involved, and I like my routines. I weigh all of my options and try to decide if what’s on the other side will be worth the energy it will take to open the door.
Last night, I was asked the question once again, ‘What do you want?’ My response, ‘You already know what I want,’ led to this conversation.
‘What are you going to do about it?’
‘I don’t know what I can do about it right now.’
‘Well, you could sit there on the couch, running from the fear – though I guarantee that no matter how long you stare at the door, you won’t be able to see through it – or you can get up, turn the handle, and walk through the door.’
‘No. Stay where you are or go through the door. It’s your choice. I love you either way, but you have to make the choice. I can promise that you won’t open the door and get sucked into a black hole. You won’t step off a cliff. You won’t be locked in a prison cell. But what is on the other side may not be exactly what you want. It could be, but it could also be just another step in the journey. Or it could be more than you could have imagined. But making that discovery requires trust; it requires you to get off your lazy butt and stop running. Face the fear…unless staying where you are is really what you want. It’s your choice.’
Great…I hate doors…