Starting to Remember

A few months ago, I wrote about needing to remember (Dancing Out Of The Box).  Throughout my journey, I have discovered that there were parts of me that were trapped in a box.  It was a box created for safety, but it had turned into a prison.  I realized that I needed to find those parts of myself and destroy the box.  Over the last month, I’ve been able to rescue a big part of myself from that box.  I don’t really remember when that box was built, but I’m starting to ‘remember’ myself.  I have never felt more like my true self – have never felt more alive – than I do right now.  I am starting to not only see and accept who God created me to be, but I’m finding that I can look in the mirror and like what I see for the first time in my life.

In the last year, I have found myself becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve learned so much about myself, and about how fear has controlled my life.  I have been able to let go of so many of the lies that I’ve believed for so long.  I have discovered (or rather, uncovered) strength and beauty in the last place I ever thought I would – inside me.  My own perception of myself – and the perception I always believed everyone else had of me – has drastically changed.  In some ways, it has been a very quick, recent change; but it has also been a lifelong journey.  There is so much that has happened in the last month, and a part of me wishes that it had happened sooner.  But I also know that I would never have been ready for it until now.  Each of my experiences to this point – both good and bad – have been needed for me to be me.  Throughout the last five years or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a pit that I just couldn’t get out of.  A friend recently used that picture in a way that perfectly describes where I’m at right now.  She said, ‘It kind of puts all of that dark time into perspective…it forced you to keep stepping up every time a shovel full of dirt got thrown down on you.’  It’s such a perfect analogy.  Each time I felt like more dirt was being thrown in the pit, I kept feeling like the purpose was to bury me.  But I used each shovel full of dirt to step up a little closer to the top of the pit.  Eventually, I had stepped up far enough that I could step out of the pit.  I finally feel like I’m out of that pit, and it’s a great place to be.

Of course, I’m still not quite where I want to be.  Though I’ve connected with lost parts of myself, there is still a big part of me that is in the box.  Growing up, I was taught that emotions were bad.  Showing any sort of emotion was a sign of weakness.  I learned at a very young age to bury my emotions.  They have been locked in that box for a very long time.  It’s gotten harder in the last few years to truly disconnect from my emotions, but I am still very much in control.  I know that I need to give up that control and allow the emotions out of the box.  Negative emotions are really what I wanted to avoid for a long time.  I didn’t want to feel pain.  But I’ve realized that the positive emotions got buried as well.  I block out pleasure, joy, and love just as much as the pain and sorrow.  In order to truly connect with the positive, I also have to connect with the negative.  I have to take the good with the bad.  It all makes perfect sense to me, but I’m finding it difficult to go there – to allow myself to be vulnerable instead of always having to be in control.

But like the other parts of me that I’ve found recently, I have to remember.  Remember those emotions – good and bad – that I have locked in that box.  Emotions are a part of all of us.  Without that part of me, I cannot see the whole picture of who I am – who God created me to be.  He wants me to see who He sees.  I have to remember how it feels to open that box and reconnect with a part of me.  I have to remember how to open the box…


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