Analyze This…

Over the weekend, I had some very interesting realizations.  All of them are things I’ve thought about before, but I was either able to see them in a different light or finally approached the line that says ‘Step over or you are choosing to live in a space that you know is a lie.’  I have a highly analytical side to my personality.  When faced with logic, I have to accept that or choose to not engage that aspect of my personality.  I came face to face with some areas of my life that I have chosen to not see logic and reason.

I am an extremely visual person.  If you can create a picture in my mind, I will never forget what you told me, and it will help me to understand.  A while back, I had the picture of being in a dark tunnel.  I had been through one before & knew that no matter how much it sucked to be in the tunnel, it was the only way to get to where I was going.  As I made my way through my current tunnel, I finally could see the light.  It was still quite a ways off, but I could see it.  One night, I pictured myself running toward the light.  I had been in the tunnel – the darkness – for so long that I was desperate to reach that light.  But the faster I ran, the farther the light was from me.  That frustrated me.  Once I stopped running, not only could I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I saw a bunch of crap.  The message was clear – you can’t run past the crap to get to the light.  You have to go through the crap – deal with it now.  A few days ago, I was talking with a friend, and I told her that recently I’ve realized that I can see the crap more clearly now.  I’m beginning to see exactly what is there – what I need to deal with.  She said something that took me by surprise – ‘That means you’re getting closer to the light.’  I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes sense.  I’ve been taking steps through the crap for a while now.  It helps to realize that I’ve made progress.  What does that mean analytically?  I may not like the crap I see, and there is definitely a fear of dealing with it, but that is the only way to get out of the tunnel.  How can I say that I want to get out of the tunnel, if I can’t also say that I’m ready to deal with the crap?

One of the things I learned during my journey of quitting my job and going back was that I have an extremely analytical side, and I have an extremely creative side.  I was taught to think in very black and white terms.  The analytical side of my personality was highly developed.  I struggled with that at times because there was always a pull to the creative side.  I never thought that the two could exist at the same time.  That would mean living in an area of gray.  I was taught that area either didn’t exist or it was unacceptable.  How can I be both analytical and creative?  That was a big reason for me quitting my job.  I wanted to do something more creative, and I truly believed that it meant giving up the analytical.  Throughout my journey in the last nine months, I’ve realized that I need to find a balance – to learn to live in the gray.  Finding that gray area is part of that crap that I need to go through.  Having lived in a black and white world for so long, gray is a scary place.  But I know I need that balance.  I know that my heart continually pulls me back to the creative side, and my head pulls me back to the analytical side no matter how hard I try to escape it.  How can I live anywhere but in the gray?  What am I missing if I continue to swing from one extreme to the other?

My biggest realization this past weekend made me admit that I will choose to disengage the analytical side of my brain if I am faced with reality that will force me to step outside my comfort zone and face fears that have been a part of me for as long as I can remember.  I had a great conversation with a friend on Friday night, and I was processing through that conversation when I heard a question in my head – ‘Do you trust her?’  My response was something along the lines of – Yes (duh!).  Next question please.  And that next question came immediately – ‘So how is it that you are still holding onto beliefs that are so completely opposite of what she said; of what she thinks/believes about you?’  Aw, crap!  I walked right into that one…

Okay…let’s try this – Yes, I trust that she means what she said, but what I believe about myself needs to come from inside of me, not just based on what someone else thinks of me.  ‘And where do your current beliefs come from?’  Crap, again!  I’m not doing well here.  Usually, I can hold my own when it comes to logic and analytical reasoning.  Apparently, I’ve discarded logic and reason to be guided by fear and lies.  So why would I choose that?  I could give reasons, but at the end of the day, it comes down to one question – am I ready for my actions/choices to reflect truth rather than lies?  Will I allow truth to lead me to the gray area where my analytical and creative sides meet and stay engaged together?

I’ll be analyzing this from a creative viewpoint with the hope of finding what I’ve been searching for -me.



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